Saturday, January 19, 2008


A version of this has been bouncing around the internet for the past several years. But thanks to Paull Harryn for reminding me of it.

This person will be out of a job in January 2009, and willing to relocate.


1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520


Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.


I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland,Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, I was elected governor of Texas.


I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.


I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.


All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

I have specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.


Anonymous said...

Addendum to resume:
1- I inheredited a recession that began in the Clinton administration and through tax cuts, began one of the longest peace time expansions in US history

2-My economic policies resulted in a lower unemployment (5% and less) then the much vaunted 90's.

3-My enlightened tax policy resulted in a huge jump in revenues for the government, thus helping to significantly reduce the deficit caused by the inherited Clinton recession and runaway spending by Congress.

4-I have successfully fought Islamofascisim in Afganistan and Iraq. After initial mistakes in postwar Iraq I found a winning general who has turned the corner in Iraq. Despite opposition from a Democrat congress, I was able to iniate and maintain the surge in the face of repeated ineffectual attempts by congressional Democrats to declare defeat and withdraw. Control of Iraq is being shifted from the coalition forces to the Iraqis and should be complete within the next year. I suspect that even if the Republicans lose the presidency, that the next administration will not be able to abandon US interest in Iraq and the Middle East.

5-I discovered the veto pen after the 06 election and vetoed numerous spending excesses including s-chip, earmarks, etc. I only regret I had not done the same when the republicans controlled congress.

6- After some initial missteps I nominated and had approved two strict constructionist judges in Roberts and Alito. Their influence will long outlive my presidency.

7-I successfully stopped future tax dollars being spent on embyonic stem cell research. Recent developments in adult stem cell research has made the controversy moot, thus vidicating my conservative ethical approach.

8-I proposed a policy to save Social Security and the future credit ratings of the US. (Moodys has said this week,that within 10 years, it is highly likely that the US debt will be reduced to junk status because of the huge contingent liabilities in social security and medicare ) Unfortunatly, members of congress of both parties refused to consider this huge fiscal catastrophe that is coming soon.

9- All in all despite low ratings in my second term (considerably higher than the Democrat congress)I was able to restore and protect the office of the president from incursions from congress to weaken it. I have to date protected the homeland from a 9/11 style attack by vigorous preemption, and use of intellegence agencies,while maintaining freedoms for US citizens.(maintaining rights in war time can be difficult as Lincoln, Wilson, FDR found out)

Jay said...

Thanks to Bush - we are the laughing stock of the world!

-K- said...

This is slightly off topic but am I the only one who thought it was very bizarre to see a photo of Mike Huckabee autographing The Bible?

It was on the front page of the Saturday NY Times.

This seems incredibly vain, almost blasphemous. What kind of man would be comfortable doing such a thing?