HERE'S WHEN I MISS THE YELLOW PAGES

Yeah I know, you can find them online now. But it ain't the same. I just looked up hardware stores for my town in Jersey and one top site said there were one hundred and forty-four listings for hardware stores in my little town, which in fact has none. They all disappeared when Home Depot built a giant store in a nearby town.

I was originally looking for a locksmith to open an old footlocker, the listings for those were extensive as well, there were even several on my street which is only a block long and mostly residential. The street numbers listed online didn't match up to any on my block, and when I called I got someone with a foreign accent who had no idea what a footlocker—or a trunk that isn't in a car—is. One guy said he'd drill the lock off (great for the old printed matter in the locker including first edition books etc I'm sure).

So I tried "hardware stores" because I know there are still a couple left in a few nearby towns, but instead of them popping up I got hundreds of listings for businesses like the locksmiths I kept getting, which, wherever they're actually located (none of them would say, unless they just lied and said they were in my town which we both knew wasn't true) seem to be a dispatcher and roving "technicians" who also have no idea what a footlocker or trunk is.

I did get the hardware store in a nearby town where the guy knew what I was talking about and said he had several skeleton keys for old footlockers and trunks one of which might work, otherwise he could pick the lock, but I'd have to bring it in. A good sized footlocker full of books etc. and on which the old leather handles have long since rotted (it was originally one of my older brothers who had it in WWII). I'm not bringing it in by myself, that's for sure.

I probably already wrecked the lock anyway trying to pick it myself or force it open. Man they made things well back in the day. I suppose now a footlocker full of books and printed material would just be virtual so the virtual locksmith could pick it from some remote office in another country.  Then I'd be the one not knowing what they're talking about.